


Spideypool in Titanland

by luckinshadow



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, Spider-Man/Deadpool - Joe Kelly (Comics)
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-08-11 21:49:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7908823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luckinshadow/pseuds/luckinshadow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Wade! On the right!” Spiderman shouted, his Spidey-sense going off just in time to grab Deadpool around the waist with his legs and web sling them out of the way of giant teeth. Deadpool then pulled his katanas out from their sheaths and screamed, “SIE SIND DAS ESSEN UND WIR SIND DIE JÄEGER!!” as he then sliced through the nape of the neck. Spidey then shot his webs off toward the third titan that was heading their way, being sure to cover the mouth completely as they swung around onto the top of it’s head. Deadpool stabbed deep into the skull of the creature. “Simon says turn right!” With a hard yank to the right on his katana, he managed to make the thing turn and start moving toward the rest of the other titans.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Spideypool in Titanland

**Author's Note:**

> So, I have finally finished the crack fic that this pic on my tumblr inspired me to write. I have been trying to get this posted most of the day because I apparently fail at tumblr or something. 
> 
> Disclaimer: There are direct quotes from chapters 80 and 81 of SNK, as well as a well placed use of a picture that I found on tumblr.
> 
> And now, without further adieu, I give you…

“Levi… What are you going to do?”

 

“All hopes for Hange Squad and the New Recruits to survive were scattered along with the horses… How about we use them for your escape route? Use them as a decoy, climb onto Eren and make your escape. I’ll fight the Beast Titan, draw him out.

 

“That’s impossible. You can’t even get close to him.”

 

“Probably. But… as long as you and Eren return alive, there’s still hope.”

 

“Haven’t you realized that this situation requires extreme measures?”

 

“We’ve been utterly defeated. To be honest, I don’t even believe any of us will make it back alive…”

 

“Yeah… That is, if we don’t have any means to attack…”

 

Levi scowled in thought for a moment before realizing Erwin might actually have a plan. He looked up at Erwin curiously and asked, “…we do?” He could see the wheels turning in Erwin’s head. “Yeah.” The tall blond responded. Levi narrowed his eyes and asked blankly, “…what took you so long to tell me? And why are you standing there all silent with that shitty expression on your face?”

 

The sound of more rocks whistling as they were being hurled through the air as Erwin spoke once again. “If this plan goes well…you might be able to take down the Beast Titan.” The rocks finding their targets, crashing violently into the surrounding buildings while Erwin continued to inform Levi of what exactly was going through his head. “But for that to happen, these new recruits and I… must sacrifice our lives.”

 

Suddenly, there came an odd sound, it was very out of place and unfamiliar. It was growing louder and louder as it drew closer and closer...wait, was that music? The Beast Titan had stopped throwing his rocks, the new recruits looked around in wonder and confusion, even Erwin and Levi looked stumped. 

 

The song was called the  _ Flight of the Valkyries  _ and it was playing at the highest volume Deadpool’s mp3 player could go, amplified by some webmade megaphones of course. “We’ve come to save you, keep you from dying, so you can ke-ep kicking much ass!” Deadpool sang as loudly and triumphantly as he could as he and Spiderman landed in front of the two confused men. “Have no fear brave warriors! We come in peace!” Deadpool exclaimed after he had turned off his mp3 player. 

 

The two men and all of the new recruits just stood there, silent and staring for a minute before Levi spoke. “What. the. fuck?” He spared a glance to Erwin like he knew the answer to all of this but the taller man just shrugged and turned his head back to the strange looking men in red. 

 

“I know what you're thinking. Who are these guys and where do I get suits like that? Well, I don’t know about around here but where we’re from, there's this awesome little place just off forty-”

 

“Deadpool. We don’t have time for this. Any minute now King Kong is going to start throwing rocks again.”

 

“At least he's not throwing his own shit.” Deadpool shuddered visibly before continuing. “Can you imagine the stink bombs that guy could make?”

 

“Seriously Wade. Can we just get on with the reason we’re here please?” Spiderman sighed and shook his head before turning his attention to the two bewildered looking men before him. “Look Commander, it's a long and crazy story to get into as to how we got here and where it is we’re from but the things you need to know for right now are that we are on your side and we’re here to help keep you alive a little bit longer.” 

 

Both Levi and Erwin eyed the two masked characters wryly for a moment before Erwin spoke. “Alright then. Welcome to the Survey Corps. You two will be riding out with me…”

 

“Actually Commander, we have a better idea.”

 

“Oh?”

 

“Yeah.” Deadpool interjected. “We'll be the decoys so Short Stack here can make minced monkey meat out of the Grape Ape over there.” 

 

“You can’t possibly mean just the two of you? You wouldn’t make it sixty centimeters before you were crushed to death.”

 

“Good thing I brought this with me.” Deadpool said giddily as he picked up the rocket launcher he seemed to have suddenly produced almost out of thin air… 

 

_ Now this is the part where if this were a comic, you would see one of those time lapsing boxes that indicate the beginning of “how the fuck we even ended up here in the first place” flashback scenarios.  _

 

**_Two hours earlier…_ **

 

_ Yeah. Just like that. _

 

“Goddamn it. Seriously? That’s just not right. Miles was right about this manga. It’s pretty intense and just a little heart wrenching.” Spiderman sighed heavily as he finished the most recent chapter of the manga known as Attack on Titan to people in the United States. 

 

Spiderman was doing his usual thing of hanging out on the side of a building, killing time while he waited for something to happen. It was actually a pretty quiet night for once. None of the major baddies seemed to be out tonight and all the low end criminals that had been planning something had been taken care of before seven o’clock that evening. It was almost too quiet to where Peter might actually be able to take the rest of the night off and let Miles handle the  _ nightshift _ . But his tranquility was interrupted as per usual in the city that never sleeps, when an alarm at the Parker Industries lab started to go off.

 

Peter pulled up the surveillance feed on his latest tech to find someone he wasn’t exactly thrilled or expecting to find nosing around in his labs. He groaned aloud before swinging his way across downtown.

 

By the time he’d arrived, there were things everywhere that just made Spiderman growl low in his throat. “Damnit Deadpool. What the hell are you doing here?”

 

Deadpool stopped what he was doing and turned slowly, speaking in an upbeat  _ best friends _ kind of tone. “Heeey Weeebs. How’s it hanging? Listen, I can explain all of this but first you wouldn’t happen to know where I might find the dimension portal thingy I know is still around here somewhere actually is and point me in that direction would you?”

 

Spiderman crossed his arms and scowled. “I might but it’s not like I would tell you now is it? Besides, why would you need to find that?”

 

“Oh you know, jump to another world, load up, party, save someone from dying because the guy that’s writing the outcome of this world says he can’t change what’s already happened because he’s just tapped into the world or something. It’s complicated, you understand right? Buddy?”

 

Spiderman still had his arms crossed over his chest but had an eyebrow raised as he regrettably listened to what this clown had to say. “What are you talking about Wade? What world are you looking to jump to? What writer?”

 

Deadpool sighed, as he started flicking a loose bit of wiring from a broken down experimental piece of tech that had been discarded. “Alright, fine. You know that Japanese comic that’s really popular right now, Attack on Titan?”

 

Spiderman’s eyebrows went up in curiosity. “Yeah. I just finished reading the latest chapter a little bit ago.”

 

Deadpool turned on his heels, eyes wide. “Then you know about what happened to the Commander guy right?”

 

“Yeah. I was very sad…”

 

“Sad? It was bullshit! I mean seriously, that guy gave his EVERYTHING to those fucking brats and that damned Survey Corps only to end up being discarded like that for some little half-pint wannabe scaredy cat that threw up the first time he killed somebody?! I won’t stand for it! It’s not right and he deserved better! So I went to the writer guy’s place and was going to make him tell me if Erwin comes back to life later or not and he said he didn’t know. That this whole story comes from another dimension and he just happened to be able to tap into it. He writes what he sees. So, I’m going to go back and save him, Spidey! For the sake of humanity, for the sake of the lonely women in the world that just had their hearts ripped out of their chest by these events, for the fandom!”

 

“What? What the hell are you talking about? The fandom?”

 

“Yeah. Do you even have the interwebs, Webs? It’s the Levi/Erwin fandom or better known as Eruri. We are all up in an uproar over this whole ordeal and I have taken it upon myself to fix it.”

 

“We?”

 

“Yeah. It’s just one of the many things I follow online. Shiro/Keith from Voltron, Erwin/Levi from Attack on Titan, Spideypool...that last one is my favorite right now but that’s beside the point. The point is that the Eruri fandom is in turmoil and only  _ I _ , Deadpool, can fix it. So, are you with me or not? Because if you’re not, than that makes things more difficult, not just for me but for the person who’s writing this crazy thing.”

 

Spiderman looked even more confused than he did before but then Wade only made sense to him about twenty percent of the time, if that much. Still, having read the manga and now knowing it’s another universe altogether kind of made him curious. Logically, it would be best to just let things be, but when Deadpool set his mind to something, it was very hard to get him to move on until he succeeded or failed at whatever it was he was on about.  _ Wait, did he say Spideypool? _

 

In the time it took for him to think about it, not to mention having taken his eye off Wade for only a split second, Deadpool was already moving on to another room. “Wade.” Spiderman growled, shaking his head as he followed into the hallway. “How are you going to just ask me to help you and then walk away without giving me the time to actually answer you?” He asked as he caught up to the other masked man. “Also, what’s in the bag?” He asked as he finally bothered to notice the large duffle Wade had with him.

 

“Oh, this? This is just my anti-monkey titan bag. There’s enough fire power and explosives in here to turn banana breath’s titan form into banana bread dough if you know what I’m saying. Not gonna kill the guy, going to leave that up to the Survey Corp but I am planning on making one hell of a mess. Now, you going to tell me where the trans-dimensional shit is or do I have to keep nosing through your boss’s secrets?”

 

With a long suffering sigh, Spiderman just pointed his finger down the hallway. “It’s this way. Follow me.”

 

Spidey made his way down the hall with Deadpool in tow. Once they’d reached the desired destination, Spidey walked over to the machine and started it up. “I can’t believe I’m doing this. How did you talk me into this?”

 

“Normally, I’d say it was appealing to your better nature but I think deep down you want that guy to live too. He reminds me of a young Cap in a lot of ways when I stop to think about it. I know that might seem uncharacteristic of me and all but go with me here. How many times has Cap been willing to lay down his life for the greater good? And who is it that saw something good enough in me to let me join the Avengers? This guy is Cap’s alter ego or something in that world and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let him die like that. So, are you with me or am I flying solo on this one?”

 

Spiderman stood there for a moment, thinking, listening, he was starting to see what Deadpool was talking about, regardless of the fact that the little voice of logic screaming in the back of his head about how this was a bad idea and how it might mess up the natural order of things…  _ If I go with him, maybe I can help keep him from causing too much trouble. _ “I’m in. Just let me set the timer on the portal so that it will open when we need to head back.”

 

“Alright! Let’s kick some Monkey Titan ass!”

  
  
  


**_Present time…_ **

 

“See. Like the Girl Scouts say, Always be prepared!”

 

“That’s the boy scouts.”

 

“Whatever.” Deadpool shrugged as he turned on his heels and began walking toward one of the horses, climbing on before Erwin or Levi had a chance to even protest anything. “To steal a line from that popular animated show with the robot,  _ Let’s go alreadyyyy _ .”  

 

“Right. Commander, we’re going to need you and your men to send the rest of the horses out with us so that the Beast Titan will think you all are charging out with us. Fire your flares first before you send out the horses. Make sure to spread the men out among the buildings, under cover and out of sight, keeping us covered in smoke until there’s no buildings left. Use the red flares when we’ve reached the end of the buildings, that’s when Deadpool will fire the rocket launcher as soon as we clear the smoke. Meanwhile, Captain Levi will make his way around to the Beast Titan the way you were originally planning.” 

 

Erwin gave Spiderman a quick nod in agreement. He didn’t fully understand what was happening exactly but at this point, what did he have to lose? Levi was sceptical of the whole thing but if it meant that no one else in the Corps had to die today, then he would just go with it. It meant Erwin would live and that, in many ways, made it a lot easier to follow this plan.

 

Erwin then relayed the plan to the recruits and had everyone carefully take up their positions. Meanwhile, Levi made his way up the wall, looking back over his shoulder at Erwin that hid under one of the buildings. 

 

“You ready to face off against oblivion Webs?” Deadpool asked, holding out his hand for Spidey to climb on.

 

“Yeah. Just a second.” Spiderman made his way around where the soldiers were hiding and laid out a canopy of webs to catch any debris that might come crashing down on their heads, dodging the rocks the Beast Titan had started throwing once again. “That should help keep you guys from getting crushed to death.” He then made his way back to Deadpool and hopped on the back of the horse. “Alright. Let’s do this!”

 

“First, we need some tunes.” Deadpool pulled out his mp3 player and turned to Spidey. “Mind helping me amp this to the level of Kiss in 2009 at the Ottawa Bluesfest?”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Make the speakers bigger!”

 

“Oh.” Spiderman thought about how for a minute before spinning out bigger gramophone like speakers from around the headphones to where they sat on Deadpool’s shoulders. “That should do it.” Deadpool then queued up  _ Hollaback Girl _ by Gwen Stefani. “Alright! Hi-yo Silver! Away!” With a quick smack on the asses of the rest of the horses from the handful of soldiers that were assigned to the task, Deadpool and Spiderman led the charge. 

 

The Beast Titan looked up wondering where exactly the music was coming from, but noticed the charging horses without noticing there weren’t any riders on them. He picked up one of his boulders and crushed it in his hands, winding up to throw the rubble. “Well, I didn’t think it would end like this, but… a suicide attack, huh...I thought they had something else up their...wait, what the…?”

 

“This shit is Bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S! Merry Christmas you over grown Chewbacca!” Deadpool shouted as he fired the rocket launcher. The Beast Titan managed to through the rocks in time to keep the rocket from hitting him in the face but the explosion was enough to turn the rocks into nothing but dust and temporarily blinded the Beast Titan. “Time for leapfrog Spidey!” He hollered over his shoulder as he quickly moved to reload the launcher. 

 

Spiderman made quick work of grabbing a hold of Deadpool and jumping to the right four horses from the center. “And here comes the money shot!” Deadpool shouted as he fired the launcher once again. He did not however anticipate that the Beast Titan would command one of the other titans near him to jump in the way of the shot. “Motherfucker!”

 

“Wade! On the right!” Spiderman shouted, his Spidey-sense going off just in time to grab Deadpool around the waist with his legs and web sling them out of the way of giant teeth. Deadpool then pulled his katanas out from their sheaths and screamed, “SIE SIND DAS ESSEN UND WIR SIND DIE JÄEGER!!” as he then sliced through the nape of the neck. Spidey then shot his webs off toward the third titan that was heading their way, being sure to cover the mouth completely as they swung around onto the top of it’s head. Deadpool stabbed deep into the skull of the creature. “Simon says turn right!” With a hard yank to the right on his katana, he managed to make the thing turn and start moving toward the rest of the other titans.   

 

In that time frame, the Beast Titan had managed to regain his eyesight. He then picked up one of his large rocks but instead of crushing it, he chucked the whole thing at Spidey and Deadpool. “Batter up!” He shouted as he threw it as hard as he could.

 

Spiderman quickly grabbed ahold of Deadpool once again just in the nick of time, web slinging them out of the way and onto the closest titan his webbing could reach. “We’ll just take our base now if it’s all the same to you.” 

 

Luckily for them, Levi had finally made it to the Beast Titan and made quick work of turning him into minced monkey meat like Deadpool said. “Yeah! Mince that monkey, Mulan! You pinwheel of death!” 

 

Suddenly, a giant hand wrapped itself around Deadpool’s right leg. “This is going to hurt.” He managed to say before the titan they had been standing on moved to put Deadpool in its mouth. “Help Colonel Sanders!” He screamed as the titan chomped of an arm. “YAAAARRGH!” He then pulled out his handgun, shooting the thing directly in the eye until the clip was almost empty before he back flipped off the thing’s face. 

 

“Wade!” Spiderman called out as he quickly swung around to grab him again before finding one of the stray horses, landing on it and riding back off toward the rest of the Corps. 

 

“Wha?!” The Beast Titan exclaimed as Levi quickly sliced and diced his way through one of the arms.

“You looked like you were enjoying yourself.” Levi commented after taking out the legs. The Beast Titan trying to harden the vulnerable spot as the very angry, small Captain continued, “Well, don’t let me stop your fun.” before destroying the other hand and finally slicing the man free from his titan form. Levi then shoved his blade into Zeke’s mouth. “Your body is heavily damaged after transforming into a titan… so you can’t transform again while you’re busy healing. Isn’t that right?” He huffed and wheezed before pushing his sword up through the roof of Zeke’s mouth and out of the eye socket. “Hey. Answer me. Don’t you have any manners?”

 

Just then, the Quadrupedal Titan came flying up from behind Levi, mouth wide and ready to chomp. Levi quickly dodged out of the way of the Quadrupedal Titan just as it closed its mouth on Zeke and began to quickly make his way toward the wall. 

 

“Hey…” Levi said stoically. “Where are you going? Stop. I’m not done with you yet…”

 

Zeke almost yelled out for the rest of his titans to kill Levi but there were no titans left to attack because Erwin and the rest of the Survey Corps had managed to kill them all. Zeke looked around with shock and surprise, the Quadrupedal Titan continued making its way toward the wall. 

 

Little did he know that Deadpool and Spiderman were waiting for them. Deadpool’s arm had already started to grow back but wasn’t quite big enough to hold anything, so with one hand he sliced his way through the Quadrupedal Titan’s jaw, forcing him to release his grip on Zeke enough for Spiderman to catch him. “Got him! Go Wade!”

 

“You got it! Open wide for Doctor Boom, Horse Face! This will only fuck up you whole day!” He yelled as he threw a grenade into the thing’s mouth and jumped away, grabbing onto Spidey’s back as he swung past. With his tiny hand, Deadpool flipped the thing the bird before the whole thing blew up and whomever was inside the creature went flying off into the distance. “Woohoo!” He cheered as the three of them landed on the top of the wall. 

 

By the time the rest of the Survey Corps made it back to the wall, the Colossus Titan and the Armored Titan were both defeated but at what seemed to be a great cost. Spiderman looked down at the charged body of the little blond kid named Armin. “The poor kid.”

 

“Hey, what are you getting all weepy for Webs? They still have the serum. They can save him without a fuss and they’ve got the bad guy. Our job here is done mi amigo.”

 

Zeke grumbled in disbelief at his utter defeat. “How? How did this happen? I was so close to ending all of this…”

 

“If it weren’t for you meddling masked freaks, right? That’s what you were going to say wasn’t it? Come on. I know you want to. You can say it. Come on.”

 

Zeke went silent and just stared at Deadpool for a moment. “Who are you?” He finally asked.

 

“Me? I’m Deadpool. The lovable and hirable Avenger with the mouth, and that is my good friend and Spide-kick, Spiderman.” He then leaned in a little closer before continuing. “You see normally someone has to pay me money to get me to fight for them but this job I did pro-bono because you’re a grade A asshole. Also, we’re from another dimension, but that’s for another time. Right now, I think you’re about to become titan food for that crispy kid down there, so enjoy what’s left of your miserable existence. All two minutes of it.”

 

After giving Armin the serum and feeding Zeke to him, Erwin and Levi made their way up to the top of the wall just as Spiderman and Deadpool’s portal suddenly opened before them. 

 

“Wait!” Erwin called out. “At least allow us to give you thanks for helping us.” Erwin then noticed Deadpool’s half-grown E.T. looking hand where his elbow should be. 

 

He was about to ask if Deadpool was a titan too like Eren and the others but was interrupted by Spiderman. “He’s not a titan. That would be the worst thing to ever happen to us back home.” He cleared his throat to continue but was quickly interrupted by the very person he was talking about.

 

“Oh could you imagine! Titan-pool!”

 

“Never going to happen Wade. Now come on, let’s go home.”

 

“Yes! I have a cold one and pizza calling my name. I can just hear it now.  _ Wade. Come back to me Wade. Come devour my deliciousness of my flat doughy body, covered in tomato sauce, cheese and all the meats you can get on a pizza. _ ” He sang that last bit in his best high pitched falsetto as he started walking toward the portal. 

 

Erwin called out once again. “Will we ever see you guys again?”

 

“You never know Li Shang! Now you and Mulan over there take care of each other. Go make out or something. You know you want to. The fandom would go nuts over it.”

 

“What the hell is he talking about?” Levi asked bluntly, his face as stoic as always. 

 

Spiderman shrugged. “No one knows. He only makes sense about half the time if that much. Anyway, best of luck saving the rest of humanity and all. It’s been… an experience.”

 

“Later lover boys!”

 

And with that, the two masked men were gone. Erwin and Levi just blinked at each other a moment. Did all of this just really happen? Or were they just dreaming? They almost felt like it was all too good to be true but there they were, Beast Titan gone, Armin alive and also a titan like Eren, Erwin and the others all alive, the Colossus Titan and Armored Titan defeated and captured. There was still the Quadrupedal Titan left to find but that was the last thing on their minds right now. They had won. They had reclaimed Wall Maria as their own once again and now were better equipped to handle taking back what was rightfully theirs. 

 

As Erwin and Levi turned to watch the sunset, Erwin finally piped up. “What a strange fellow.”

 

“He was a fucking idiot.”

 

“Hmph. An idiot that helped save our asses.” Erwin smirked just a little, relieved by the fact that he didn’t have to become the demon today and actually sacrifice himself and the rest of his men to the cause. With a heavy sigh of relief, Erwin turned to face Levi. “How’s about we go find what’s in that basement, hm?”

 

Levi didn’t move or say anything for a moment and it made Erwin wonder with concern. “Levi?” He stepped a little closer to the shorter man, his hand stretched out toward him. Levi quickly batted the hand away before reaching up, grabbing the taller man by his bolo and pulling him down into a heated and loving kiss. He didn’t care if anyone saw him. He didn’t care about anything in that moment except that Erwin was here, alive and kissing him. 

 

Once the moment had passed, Levi pulled back and loosened his grip on the bolo just a little before speaking in a low, thick, breathy tone. “Now, we can go see what’s in that basement.” And with that, he released Erwin and turned on his heels to regroup with the others. Turning his head over his shoulder, Levi added, “Well?”

 

Erwin just smiled warmly and nodded as they both made their way back to the rooftop where the others were waiting.

  
  
  


~Fin~  

**Author's Note:**

> The part DP says in German there translates to "YOU ARE EATING AND WE ARE THE JÄEGER!!"


End file.
